FireWords

Questions

2007-01-16T12:24:00.000+01:00

On my walk I've come to a place where I have never been before. I'm giving up to try myself and let God do in me whatever he wants. The freedom that comes from it is astounding! At the same time I have one of the biggest battles raging in me for control; one for self, one for Him. I'm confused with what I have been believing and living, questioning the things I thought I was really standing on, like salvation, speaking with God, walking with him and most of all the cross. I have never seen the cross, the words spoken in the worst pain: "It is done". How I want to see the love and be filled by it, the spirit filling everything of me. But what if God asks you: "Should I do this now or over years?". I don't know what to answer.

Where I'm at: Refocus

2007-01-11T15:30:00.000+01:00

I just came back from the USA, it was very relaxing and I could get my mind on some new things. The best thing was that I could spend some time with the person I love most: Chrystal my girl :-)

After August I have become so buissy, building new ministries, working and finding a way around all the other daily errands, as you can see my blog has suffered under these conditions too. In all the stress I have not only lost the blog out of sight but most of all (which hurts me most), the very thing that this blog is about: Intimacy with God.
I want to refocus, rethink, question everything. Most of all the activities which grew to an insane time effort, killing my most precious relationships!

Reaching out into the Minds of Influence

2006-08-23T20:22:00.000+02:00

Thinking about our society and where we have come from I discover continously influences that have shaped the place where we are now at. Thinkers, philosophers, theologans, writers and politicians have left their mark on our minds and on our hearts. Everyone that wants to find out where we are going, eventually finds himself searching the past paths where we have come from. It is so crutial for us, to not forget and to move on beyond our forefathers.
In the church I see several influences that shape the fait and the faith, it is very naive to think only the bible has influenced our church culture, since it is obvious that we have gone far in adopting deep into our traditional heritage. So as our heart grows to spread our influence beyond the walls of our buildings and maybe smallgroups we quickly learn the importance to see beyond, we start studing the past of our towns and where we are at with our people. This takes several faces in our church, ranging from spiritual maping to businessfield studies for ministries that reach out. The pioneer people focus on statistics and wait until they are "hit" with an idea that will bring difference. Others rather focus on contemplation, they pray, wait and listen for the Lord, this gives them a spiritual feeling on what is on the move and what should be happening sooner or later. Viewing from a psycological angle we could seperate to different ways of aproaching the problem or goal. In most cases the desire is to see change in favor of the kingdom of God. More people brought in, the great comission fufilled and revival. On aproach is the spiritual or metaphysical, the current calling is sensed and often details are revealed through supernatural revelation and sensation. We say God spoke. The other aproach is the intelectual. Through extensive studies of underpinning principles, history and current information such as statistics and institutions we get to see the places and groups that we can invest into. We say we know the city. My observation is that the two rarley mix. Its a character and lifestyle issue, where one group is not verry attracted by the other. Its becomes more and more clear to me that one without the other is relativly useless in the sense that we want to join in into Gods path and plans, and see them happening! They key factor here is godly strategy, not on paper, but carried in hearts motivated by love and humility. How do we get there?
Obviously there's a range of Principles that start with the truth of the character of God and our relationship to him, go to the very way how we relate with each other and come to how we build our institutions. Along the way we try to walk in truth, but how much lies have been sowed into our minds so that we cannot see the way God would really go.

Capturing Beauty

2006-06-09T21:48:00.000+02:00

God spoke and it was. He used supernatural words to create our nature.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
And God said, ...
genesis 1:1-3

I believe these words are still ringing trough the universe and that is why life even exists.

Imagine God's speaking as a symphony that still rings trough the universe. All nature joins in, plays and worships. I'm not a naturalist that puts nature at the same level with God, but also I don't believe that nature is just dead. But that there is still life behind the organic life that we acknowledge. C.S Lewis puts it so well in his Narnia chronicles when Aslan creates Narnia he walks singing throughout Narnia and life begins to grow in abundance.

Staying on Track

2006-02-19T21:30:00.000+01:00

Life goes on and I wish my blog would update itself without my mighty interference...
We'll the last couple of days have been crazy, I've been going through up and downs with what is happening in our church. Since the day I fell in love with the church I'm amazed how much my state of faith is controlled by how my church is doing and what is going on there! This is not what I want, but it's happening to me all the time and so it is not easy for me to stay on track.
Well what is going on with my church? Many are asking what we are doing church for and if we are really on the right track. Some people I talked to lately said that working for our church destroyed their dreams what church could be like. On the other side the things I always prayed for are starting to become reality. Intercession and Prophecy is growing on one side while the whole outreaching, social ministry is now becoming reality and I'm right in midst of it.
I hope to learn being in peace with God in all this. Once more I'm learning that all we have to do is stay close to the Father and he'll take care of the rest. He will give us the vision we need, the strength, the love for our leaders and most of all a peace in midst of the storm.

Vision and Reality

2006-01-30T21:03:00.000+01:00

Where does our reality meet our visions? Where do they become one?
Two roads joining, joying our hearts, our dreams becoming true. How
does all we hope for become reality. The answer is easy, it's grace,
but what does that mean for our lives? This question I'm pondering
almost every day right now! Knowing the calling and adopting the
desires of God for your lives is harder than not knowing at all. I'm
not saying it's something bad, but the problem I'm addressing is of
our human nature to try make things become reality on our own. When
it's about a business plan or something of that kind we might have
the ability to do that, but with heavenly things it is impossible,
because the only one who gives and takes life is God. Building Gods
kingdom is a matter of life, and it is where all our desires lie, a
life full of life. I was often told that the ultimate happiness comes
when we walk in our calling, so I though if I'm a missionary or
something I'll experience the fullness of life, I realize now that
this I total twisted thinking! We are called to live daily close to
the Lord and let him breathe life into the little dead things that
surround us and intoxicate our thoughts. Then we experience freedom
and the fullness of his promises. This must become a crucial part of
our pilgrimage.

Amazing Depth

2006-01-04T05:03:00.000+01:00

Back to how this blog began... Every time I read brother Lawrence, my heart is gripped for the sincereness of how he desperatly searches for God. Every time I read it, I get thirsty for this radical following of God. What attracts me most is his total otherness than anyone I've ever read so far, except the bible. It often seems to me people try to make following God to some nice activity, that is lived out beside many other things of "less importance", but the acctual concerment we give those activities is so much greater than God himself. There this otherness is like a cold drink in a desert of ungiven examples...
Let's check out some of this heart:

This made me resolve to give the all for the All: so after having given myself wholly to GOD, to make all the satisfaction I could for my sins, I renounced, for the love of Him, everything that was not He; and I began to live as if there was none but He and I in the world. Sometimes I considered myself before Him as a poor criminal at the feet of his judge; at other times I beheld Him in my heart as my FATHER, as my GOD: I worshipped Him the oftenest that I could, keeping my mind in His holy Presence, and recalling it as often as I found it wandered from Him. I found no small pain in this exercise, and yet I continued it, notwithstanding all the difficulties that occurred, without troubling or disquieting myself when my mind had wandered involuntarily. I made this my business, as much all the day long as at the appointed times of prayer; for at all times, every hour, every minute, even in the height of my business, I drove away from my mind everything that was capable of interrupting my thought of GOD.

Canada and My Girl

2005-12-31T22:19:00.000+01:00

This holiday are awesome, I'm somewhere in Canada (Alberta), close to a city called Red Deer. It is so much fun spending so much time with the Girl I love and good old friends. The family we stay with is so chillout, we just read books eat a lot and play games. I love it, because I feel at home here.

This is me and my girl, skating on this huge frozen pond that we found.

Fasting and Revelation

2005-12-21T22:31:00.000+01:00

The two weeks I've been fasting, I wanted to post, but often felt too weak to write what really burns on my heart. Looking back, I must say this was way crazy. But most of all it was amazing how God lifted me into new levels of revelation. In the weakness I had to get so close to God, often I laked strength do do anything then Angels would come give me something to eat. I would see this things in the spiritual, but they are really real to me, even more real that this world. This is the best thing abouth the last few days that God showed me how I can live more in the spiritual than in the physical.
Eventhough it was hard not to eat for so long, it was a most beautiful experience because this dependency is what I long and strive for with my whole life. Now, being distracted for just a few hours away from God gives me pains. I've become a God addict.

Prophecy: Eyes and Wings II

2005-12-02T16:26:00.000+01:00

Continued:

And I feel like there's this knowledge without the ability to get anywhere, like this understanding. The eyes and the wings part is one, to see what the Lord is doing and two, to give wings to get there. And I feel like the Lord is calling us to model, not only for the nation, but also for this local city... EYES AND WINGS.
What to do and how to get there, what to do and how to get there...

And then we have to give the people eyes and wings. I just feel like we don’t really know the fullness of it, but the eyes and wings are very, very important. It’s like the whole thing of Isaiah – and the Lord looked for a man. And like the time of David, there’s times and seasons in the Church, where there’s a lot of unrest. But someone’s got to do it differently. Somebody’s got to break totally out of the mold. Somebody’s got to create a container for the time.

Somebody’s got to create a container for the time. And they can’t go to the past to look for it. Some of it’s never been done before. And especially in the final hour! Have I not said throughout My Word…throughout My Word that there’s coming a generation – there’s coming a final hour of the Church that will be different than any other, that will be different!

Prophecy: Eyes and Wings I

2005-11-30T13:05:00.000+01:00

On a prayermeeting I've heard a prophecy on a CD, I'didn't even listen closley. But the words kept ringing in my head for days. I couldn't forget them so I bought the CD and in the last three weeks those words have become such a burden on my heart. Almost every hour I think about them.
To the background of this CD. It was recorded during a 40 days fast in 1999 and not written down but inspired by the Spirit directly. Stacy Campell recieved it while she was worshiping and proclaiming with Lou Engle. There's much more about it and what it released in the church, but if you are interested just research for your self. (Link) (Link)(Link)

This is the first part:

Trust me on this, I know where we are going...
What Ezekiel kept seeing was eyes everywhere there was this wheels and they had eyes all around them, there was eyes everywhere and then the vers in Isiah with all the wings, he had wings, you know, in the front and the back...
Eyes and wings, EYES AND WINGS is a part of the nature of God.

I have this sense, that the Lord has showed me, that everybody is looking for a model, but there is no model, there is no models and I feel like the whole church knows something's out, even the average lay person just knows that this is verry troublesome times, but they don't know where to go and they dont know how to get there...

Fires Burn

2005-11-29T15:30:00.000+01:00

For me Delirious? are a prophetic voice. Their songs talk to me so much...

All around the world the fires burn,
They burn for you, for what is true.
And your bride across the earth is pushing through,
And we’re glorious when we mirror you.

Oh this world’s on fire, for you are our great desire.

Jesus, born to take us home,
And home is where the heart is.
Jesus, come and take us soon.
Your home is where my heart is.

All around the world the fires burn,
To light the way for your return,
We know one day you’ll split the sky in two,
And we will fly to be with you.

Closer than Words

2005-11-29T14:03:00.000+01:00

Have you ever felt like that heavens are about to break open, when you feel like you are walking in the spirit and there's a power carrying you and the steps you walk actually take you somewhere the words you speak actually touch people... it's beautifully and it makes you addicted.

The walk with God is of an extraordinary kind, he comes closer than words and takes us further than the horizon of our dreams. Right now I begin experience this, it's a gentle taste but so exciting, surrendering everything brings such joy and it lets you feel God's heartbeat. God's heart beats not only every hour or week but every second, he has for every moment something to give, something to say, something to do. Having this heartbeat, while doing streetwork, is amazingly effective, almost every day we meet people who we can call to something greater than drugs and sex. Besides that I feel this his peace wrapping around my heart, so gentle and so great that it seems nothing can shake it.

After three months of honestly returning to the experiment to practice God's presence I must admit the results are stunning, as Jeremiah says:

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jer 29:13)

Talkin' to me

2005-11-23T09:34:00.000+01:00

This psalm talks to me, because God is leading me into something new right now, spiritual warefare with worship...

Psalm 45
My heart is stirred by a noble theme
as I recite my verses for the king;
my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer.

You are the most excellent of men
and your lips have been anointed with grace,
since God has blessed you forever.

Gird your sword upon your side, O mighty one;
clothe yourself with splendor and majesty.

In your majesty ride forth victoriously
in behalf of truth, humility and righteousness;
let your right hand display awesome deeds.

Let your sharp arrows pierce the hearts of the king's enemies;
let the nations fall beneath your feet.

Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever;
a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom.

You love righteousness and hate wickedness;
therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions
by anointing you with the oil of joy.

All your robes are fragrant with myrrh and aloes and cassia;
from palaces adorned with ivory
the music of the strings makes you glad.
...

Moving

2005-11-17T17:02:00.000+01:00

I just moved to the most messed up street in Zürich and I love it. I love to be where all the prostitutes and junkies are. Food, clothing and love they seek all day long (besides drugs) and its so much fun to experience how God uses us to give that to them.

We feel strongly called to work on two tracks, the spiritual and the physical/practical. In the spiritual we fight against the powers and exalt God above what we do and are. The practical, on the other hand, is to give food to the hungry, talk to them and be there 24/7 (besides being at work...). Since we've moved there, so much has changed, God is leading each one of us into a new level of freedom in a pace we've never experienced before. Being now on the frontline, forces me to stay close to the heart of God and it's amazing how he draws me; sometimes the spirit comes so strong upon me that I cant work for hours, I just stare at my computerscreen and cry or pray.

Brushed by Love

2005-11-11T18:15:00.000+01:00

Life is full of God, besides that there are hundreds of distractions that pull us away from him, they might even be hidden as something spiritual. In the end it comes down to this: Did we bring our whole heart to God and lead other hearts to him.

We can take nothing to him, except ourselves and behind the people that we've influenced, changed, but mostly loved. A while ago, I asked what it means to be alive, someone suggested it means to live a life that glorifies Him. This is true, but how can we glorify God in the moments. The answer seems simple, do it with love. The key is not just having love, but lift our unloving hearts up to God that he might give us a refill.
I'm sitting here at my computer at work and was just brushed by his loving greatness, almost started shaking physically, it's truly amazing how he can fill us in abundance.

Being Alive?

2005-10-27T01:41:00.000+02:00

Iraneus (an early church father) said:

The glory of God is a human being fully alive.

Its something that I cant stop thinking about lately, what does it mean to be alive?

Love brings Trust

2005-10-26T23:14:00.000+02:00

Practicing his presence has alot to do with trustfull decisions, what I'm expereiencing is, that God shows his will in hundrets of ways every day. All I gotta do, is follow the calling and trust him that it's good. Why trust? Most things that God challenges us in, contradict our wisdom and understanding of the situation. To follow this kinf of directions requers trust. It's like the dad who asks his son to jump a leap and promises to catch him. The kid is scared, but jumps anyways, knowing that he could get hurt but trusting that his dad loves him. I like the analogy of trusting and jumping, a life with God is jumping of huge cliffs well knowing that you would splatter if he would not intervene. The key is knowing that he loves me. This again comes from experiencing God in a personal way.

The personal experience with God is what teaches me to trust. The daily touch and love filled words that he imparts every day, help me on my way to love him more and more.
Since we are going out onto the streets I experience Jesus as THE savior. In only 3 weeks my view of Jesus as the one who can save has changed. Hearing repeatetly the question why we would come to this hopeless street and realizing our incapability to help has revolutionized how I see Jesus. Only he can change people and rescue them out of their suffering. To experience this, gives me more love and appreciation for him and has the effect that I trust him with my own salvation.

Hidden Perls

2005-10-20T01:19:00.000+02:00

A little poem I just wrote on the train back from checking out apartments. We are gonna move to the guys we have a heart for.

Hidden perls
Covered by mud
Most precious stones
Between broken Bones
I see hope on this street
A light shining
Sometimes even blinding
Call me a fool
To hope for a failure
But in it I see
The greatest blessing for me

Find God Behind Faces

2005-10-15T18:02:00.000+02:00

I believe on our walk with God we sooner or later encounter this urge to draw people into his kingdom. Its amazing how the last years of intercession for my city has left a mark on my heart. It becomes harder for me every day to keep quiet. I just want to shout the good news of every roof top.
God changes the ways where he lets himself be found, where it has been mainly in my quiet chamber in the last years, he now hides himself in the conventional ways and shows up behind the love he has for the ragamuffins. For a long time the spiritual fellowship and activities have been something I'd rather stay away from, but now this Spirit led "being crazy" for God everywhere is truly finding new streams of living water.
God's presence is everywhere but he just manifest himself on the path of his will. (And this is for everyone somewhere else)

Desperate to Serve the Desperate

2005-10-12T00:07:00.000+02:00

Through this whole process of learning practicing his presence, my heart has adopted something of God's heart.
It's the desire to be there for the unwanted, drug addicts, homless and the unloved. It's this pulling to just go out onto the streets and shout out loud the good news of Jesus. He himself describes it the best:

Then he said to his servants, 'The wedding banquet is ready, but those I invited did not deserve to come. ⁹Go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find.' ¹⁰So the servants went out into the streets and gathered all the people they could find, both good and bad, and the wedding hall was filled with guests.
Matthew 22:8-10

I meet God in their faces, ragged and truly poor in spirit; I feel nowhere more at home. Don't get me wrong, the conditions I see, when I'm in the messed up parts of Zurich break my heart, but their openness to the Savior and simplicity and gratitude are usualy moments of imense glory and for me unknown hints of the face of God.

Burn the Crap

2005-10-09T12:01:00.000+02:00

A desire begins to grow that draws me to his glorious presence. This desire used to be fed by mere curiosity. Now it has another aspect, I want to meet God, because I start realizing (and I mean truly grasping) my need for serious God encounters. This is because my pride has been seriously damaged by the last three to four weeks where I walked through desert, and God revealed my incapability to change or bring forth anything godly.
It is an awesome process and it all leads back to beholding him, which is the hope I hold on to:

No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him.
1 Corinthians 2

I Stand in Awe of You

2005-10-08T23:48:00.000+02:00

An awesome hymn. I often sing it when I snowboard alone on far mountain sides cutting the powder and just marveling the beauty of the mountains.

You are beautiful beyond description
Too marvelous for words
Too wonderful of comprehension
Like nothing ever seen or heard
Who can grasp you infinite wisdom
Who can fathom the depth of your love
You are beautiful beyond description
Majesty enthroned above

And I stand, I stand in awe of you
I stand, I stand in awe of you
Holy God to whom all praise is due
I stand in awe of you.

It expresses the fascination that keeps me searing for God.

Lifted Clouds

2005-10-05T00:12:00.000+02:00

I got one step further on my jurney to God.
As I was sitting on my bed and seeking God's presence, I had a revelation. Suddenly I felt the panic self who is not willing to walk with the Lord. I saw in my spiritual eye this ball or cluster (hard to discribe spiritual things) that is in the center and throne of my heart and this deeply rooted will that keeps dicding aginst the will of God. I knew about it for a long time, but now I realized it so deeply and saw it in context to my bad state of soul and mind. It's the source of all sickness, spiritual blindness... well, sin itself.
Everyone knows about the flesh or self-centeredness, but having it revealed by God is truly helping. The best thing is, that I realized how little I can do about it. The only option I have, is seeking God and let the cross do it's work. It's amazing how the clouds lifted imediately and I heard God's joy which overlooks our sin.

Acknowledging His Gratefulness

2005-10-03T22:48:00.000+02:00

From Ruthless Trust, a quote from Henri Nouwen's "Bread for the Journey":

To be gratefull for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives -- the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections -- that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we kep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for. Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God.

This describes so well what I'm learning in this pilgrimage of practicing his presence. A selfless focus on what God is doing and not on what is happeing to me; always acknowledging the goodness and grace of God in every situation no matter how it looks like from my perspective.

More Desert

2005-10-02T12:14:00.000+02:00

I love to talk about the glory that comes of getting closer to God. But the imense anguish that has to be faced it often ignored. Now not anymore because I feel it so strong now, my heart seems to tear for reasons I do not understand. It feels like I'm a metal that is heated up and brought into shape through hammering on it. The last few hours I've been crying out of a heart ache which goes deep, but it's source is unknown.
The positive part in this whole "going through the desert" thing, is that I start truly refocusing on God, becuase I know everything outside of him is certain death.

Comfort Zones

2005-10-01T18:45:00.000+02:00

I often see people, who are desperate for more of God in their lives, but I meet rarely someone who acctually puersues this longing with discipline and endurance. I count myself to the large group who longs for God, but does everything to avoid trusting and letting go. I've come the the conclusion that the biggest problem for a lack of God encounters is our unwillingness to give up the comfort zones. The first thing that comes to mind, when we talk about comfort zones, is financial security, friends, job and family or some legalistic lifestyle. What I have discovered, to my amazement, that the dearest comfort zones are a heart matter, whatsoever.
Do you really want to make all your time available for God? Is there a certain kind of decisions that you want to keep for yourself?
I realize that I can't answer those questions and that there is a imense need for Gods grace to reveal my comfort zones.

Swallowed In The Sea

2005-09-30T00:53:00.000+02:00

This song is stuck im my mind, I can't get it out. I guess I couldn't explain my state of mind and soul better than Coldplay:

You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong to me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea

You put me on a line
And hung me out to dry
And darling that's when I
Decided to go to see you

You cut me down to size
And opened up my eyes
Made me realize
What I could not see

And I could write a book
The one they'll say that shook
The world, and then it took
It took it back from me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
And you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea

Ooh...

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

The streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

Oh what good is it to live
With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive
Not loving all you see

Oh the streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

You belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
Yeah, you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

Ruthless Trust

2005-09-29T09:58:00.000+02:00

Now it would be time to post something "positiv" again, but it wouldn't be honest. As life continues do be dull and desertish my heart is pressed but not crushed. It's not easy, I feel alone but not deserted, visionless but on a path. I picked up Brennan Mannings "Ruthless Trust" again, and thats what it's all about: Ruthless trust. As my family seems to break apart and my heart breaks for missing my girl to death and God calls me into new ministry in church, I HAVE to trust my God or have to go my own way without him. It's a time of trustful descisions where there are no feelings at all to guide me.

And ...dont't forget how alive you are. Ahhw I love my girl!

Fellowship Matters

2005-09-27T01:02:00.000+02:00

In the last few months my attitude towards fellowship with other christians has changed completely, where I used to look at it as an enjoyable time with family, I now acknowledge the need of it for spiritual survival. The cleansing that comes by walking in the light and fellowship with other seekers has become so essential for my walk with God. He talks more that ever through others and I begin to see his masterplan for us as one body and not only individuals.

The fourth price is to be often in a group. We need the stimulus of believers who pursue what we pursue, the presence of Christ.

Life Injection by Frank Laubach

2005-09-26T00:32:00.000+02:00

A few posts ago I quoted Frank Laubach, he's so inspiring, probably one of the most influential writers in my life.
I just found two awsome papers by him. Thanks to Mark Wutka's blog where I found them.

Almost the whole part of him in Practicing His Presence (If you want to grow, read it!):
Letters By A Modern Mystic

And a few tips how to make this reality in your life:
The Game With Minutes

Thirst for Water

2005-09-25T12:11:00.000+02:00

To continue with my metaphor, I start asking, how long this way will continue in the desert. Today we prayed after church and I got so much encouragement from God. He talked clearly about how I hold onto things deep in my soul; fears that I would not let go and flesh that does not want to burn on the altar. Yeah, its so true, but I don't want to give up, there are things that are so sacred that all in me rebels against the decision to capitulate.

Let me explain what I'mean by being in the desert. Its being abandoned of all emotions and clear talking of God. I hear him but not clear and there are no emotions with it. When I'm in the word for one hour I don't get any revelation. If you're alone in the desert for a while, you let go of everything that is not totaly necessary for survival, and that's exactly what I hope is gonna happen to me.

A Traveler

2005-09-23T16:54:00.000+02:00

Imagine you have heard of a land far away, beautyful, no, glorious. Where you come to rest, where you find meaning and life eternal. After you heard stories how great and low has found it's way there in the past, you will end up stepping onto this path and give it a try.
After a few weeks of travel you might have to face the first mountain, then you decide, giving up or facing it. Will you walk on when all the food has gone and only the hope is carring you that this might end in paradise. Will you walk on when certainty shrinks and hope has faded from a strong rope to a tiny string that seems to rip any second.
Eventually you give up and go back to life as you know it. Until the next stranger comes by and awakens the sleeping memory with his stories of this glorious place far away. Then you will go again and stand before this mountain, asking how can to get over it... I don't know...

Dryness does not Matter nor Affect Me

2005-09-20T22:09:00.000+02:00

Brother Lawrence said:
"Lord I am yours, dryness does not matter nor affect me!"

I want to give myself to God no matter what my feelings are or what I'm experiencing. I'm often in that state where I feel like I'm in a desert, no matter how hard I try, there are no feelings about my faith. The words I pray bounce off the cealing, I dont feel something change. And the longer I walk with the Lord the more often I'm in this state. Acctually, I'm in this state from tuesday until friday when it's a normal week.
I believe this is meant to be like that, God teaches me to base my faith on something deeper that emotions, on ruthless trust in his presence and working around me.
I once heard of this preacher, when he prayed, everyone fell over because the Holy Spirit would move so strong. He himself never felt anything, except once, when his pinky twitched a little. He just followed the voice of God no matter the feelings. I want to have this trust and perseverance.

How to Meditate

2005-09-18T21:13:00.000+02:00

God opens doors where we can get our spiritual nurishment anytime. He gave us ways to drink the living water, all we have to do is get it.

One way I've discovered, is meditating on his word. If you wonder why your daily bible readings are so boring or dry, try to go a level deeper by meditating on only one vers.
When I meditate on a verse or a phrase of the word I do following things, I learned this method of Kirk Bennet, check out their website.

1. I read the vers. Over and over, several hundred times if neccessary. Usually between 10 and 50 times. It's so different with every vers.
2. I write it down. Rewrite it, sometimes I fill a whole paper with only one word.
3. I say it. I speak it out and ask God questions, dozens of questions, I tell him how little I understand and what I want to know about it. I aslo listen if he answers me any of my questions and teaches me something.
4. I sing it. I sing the vers, using my guitar or just any melody.
5. I pray it. I pray that God will encounter me with the truth that the vers contains.

It's so good, if you do it for a while like an hour or so, you feel how the spirit eats and gets fed.
The most important is that you won't limit yourself to just a method. It's a together with God, listen and follow, then you will break out and enter new depths.

John 4:9
Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come.
If the most powerfull creatures, and all people fall down and proclaim holy, holy, holy, how holy must this God be. If no creature can stand, can I stand? What does it mean to be Lord? How does God reign? What is God, what is a God anyway? What does it mean God has nothing above him? How great does that make him?
You see there's much to be revieled and found in those 17 words. You wont get it if you just read over it once. Only if you stay there and search you will find.

A Holy God, and Light in Desolate Corners

2005-09-18T20:49:00.000+02:00

I'm so pumped, today was so awesome. This morning I went to church with my mom and my sister it was good, but the best thing came after. Some friends and me we wanted to meet in the prayer room for a quick session, God grabed our hearts and we ended up staying in his presence for 5 hours just lifting him up and praying for each other. It was so awesome, the theme was his holynes, I must admitt I have no idea what holy even means. All I know is, when I see God a litle bit as he is I'm wraped up in this awe that makes me feel unworthy to aproach him, but at the same time I feel the Holy Spirit helping me stand before him.

When I first started praying, I didn't know where to start and how to aproach him, so I just got quiet and focused on him. After a few minutes a vers came to my mind. So I started meditating on it. (I'll write a entry on meditating on the word later). Something opended up and I just started worshiping. Later we served each other propheticaly. Everyone left that prayer room encouraged.

The best was when I went to the train station. There was a friend with his guitar worshiping God with all his strength. People stood around him, they were laughing and it was so joyfull. It was a holy moment. Then he asked me what I think is so good about Jesus. I gave a testimony, then an other guy joined in, we just lifted God up. I can still feel this electricity running trough me that captured me in that moment. In this place of darkenss was a moment of light.

We all gotta Give

2005-09-18T03:05:00.000+02:00

There's one ultimate thing that we all gonna do at the end of all time. It's the meaning of life, so simple but so hard for us to imagine.
We will worship God forever.
This implies that all we have and are, will ultimatly exist only to give willful praise and honor and glory to God. In return our soul will finally find a dwellingplace.

What does this mean for me? To have this heart which says, "What can I do for you?", not, "What can you do for me?". Constanly worshiping in what I do, no matter if I'm alone, among some friends or even co-workers. A heart that burns for it's God and want's nothing more than seeing surrendered hearts, because it knows that this is what he desires most.

Today I meditated on this vers in John 17:
"For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them."
Even Jesus was only passing on words that he constantly recieved from his best friend, the Father. He heard and spoke it to his disciples. He didn't just pass on his divine understanding, his insight into the Torah, no, he was speaking those intimate words that he heard his father whispering every second. And this left that mark on his disciples that they went out so fiercly and bold. I want to learn having this open ear for his whisper, that unceasing deep communion, which sets my heart and those around me ablaze, but most of all gives glory to Jesus.

Back to the Roots

2005-09-17T19:46:00.000+02:00

God keeps taking me back to the first things I've ever been taught. As Kirk Bennet said:
"The most important things we've learned in kindergarden. Now we spend our whole life figuring them out."

Today, we're Going all the Way

2005-09-14T22:51:00.000+02:00

One of my all time favorites, it speaks out of my heart. By Delerious.

All The Way
Come close to me, too close for words
And still my beating heart
I find your thoughts without one glance
We're going all the way

With you I'm washed as white as the snow
And all crimson stain becomes just a shadow
You know I would be blind without you
So light up my way to find my way home
Today, today, today, we're going all the way

Tears sometimes fall upon my face
And join the oil of gladness
How can it be I've found this love
A love that let me fly

With you I'm washed as white as the snow
And all crimson stain becomes just a shadow
You know I would be blind without you
So light up my way to find my way home again
Today, today, today, we're going all the way

Today, today, today, we're going all the way

God, let me got all the way with you, I want to find my way home, and yes, often I'm stuck in the dark. I can't find my way, I'm just running in circles trying to live up to some ideas or dreams that are not from you. Put my feet back on the way and light it up with your precence.
Beyond anything, I desire just one thing, to know you intimate, deep and deadly close.
Amen

Heights and Lows

2005-09-14T22:01:00.000+02:00

God is so good, even though I often ignore his grace, hate the people he brings me along, ignore the secrets he tells me, he keeps getting my attention. One way or the other he gets me, draws me and makes me fall in love with him every week at least once.
Today I wasn't too successfull with pracing his presence, I ignored him for most of the time, focused on my work insted of him while working. I want to return.

He's here and helps so much, I had a black out while skating with my friend, I coudn't remember what I did on saturday, no matter how hard I tried. While eating dinner I still couldn't remember it. When I lifted my mind up just for a second, it came back to my mind almost in that moment.

For me it becomes more and more evident every day that we are made to live in that unity with God. No matter what we try we keep striving untill we have found our home which is the endless spirit of God.

An Addiction

2005-09-13T00:00:00.000+02:00

I realy feel torn between the two worlds, one part of me wants to go after the will of God and the other part wants to do whatever my flesh desires. Its amazing how the day is ruled by those two spirits. What happens though, whenever I walk my own way I'm drawn back to Him, I have tasted and become a junkie, it has similarities with a addiction because this pull becomes stonger every day while I keep finding new treasures. Today for example, I lay in my bed and suddenly all around me seemed so full of life, the heart beating while the blanket waved in endless configurations and my nails growing, the dust performing a dance far beyond our possibilities. I feel like I'm coming alive. The fear of people shrinks as I surender my heart in fellowsip or when I seem to drown in unknown faces. I feel so comfortable and trust in the success of the masterplan in every second. I feel like I'm on that way to this peace that goes beyond all imagination.
It's not always like that, just before we watched "Van Helsing" and I didn't share my heart with Him while I amused myself with this sketchy stuff. In this times I know I'm running away from Him, but I keep finding myself returning home with a smile. Home is the best.

2. Peter 1:5-9
⁵For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; ⁶and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; ⁷and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. ⁸For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

This is deep, for me it expresses so much of the way of knowing God. I think I'm in the self-control state. Learning to submitt will and body to the Lord has a lot to do with self-contol.

What is Reality

2005-09-11T18:39:00.000+02:00

God reveals Himself in so many ways, when I just open my heart for him. A room or place is imediatly flooded by His awareness and glory when I open my heart to Him. Sometimes I have tears in my eyes or cant stop smiling, because His presence changes every chamber to a palace. The best is, how love flows; any person I look at I just feel love for them. This warm cozy feeling, that comes when you look deeply into the eyes of a loved one, is just there for strangers. This is awesome.
I tried to remember God as much as possible, which is like every 5 to 10 minutes but sometimes there are gaps up to an hour. When God calls Himself back to my mind, I try to surender the task I'm doing at this moment, ask Him what ought to be done or just give thanks.
I try to touch things with focus on God as its creator. Sometimes I'm griped with such awe, just for a split second, that I don't even dare to tuch it, even if it's the toilets wall.

The spirit beginns to live in the reality which is the kingdom of God that is here alredy. Its a passing over, coming to life and bringing back that water.

This is a song I just wrote, haven't figured out the melody yet, but I'm working on it.

I walk and talk in my ways
unaware of grace.
Judgement falls in mind
binding the human kind,
to a future of misery
and the glorious future plan I do not see.

Now a voice whispers, this
is what you miss
welcome to reality.

Step through the torn veil
the price was a nail.
Now open your eyes
and see behind the lies.

I reckon a kingdom that is real
not something I can taste and feel,
but where I find the living water
Jesus Christ my father.
My heart at last comes to rest,
after I gave it all, just to be blessed.

Now a voice whispers, this
is what you miss
welcome to reality.

Chorus

Give glory, give glory, give glory
to Jesus Chist God holy.

Some Prices We Must Pay

2005-09-10T18:33:00.000+02:00

One more quote by Frank Laubach.

The first price is pressure of our wills, gentle but constant. But what prize is ever won without effort?
The seond price is perseverance. Poor results at the outset are not the slightest reason for discouragement; everybody has this experience for a long while. Each week grows better and requires less strain.
The third price is perfect surrender. We lose Christ's presence the moment our wils rebel. If we try to keep even a remote corner of life for self or evil, and refuse to let the Lord rule us wholly, that small worm will spoil the entile fruit. We must be uttely sincere.
The fourth price is to be often in a group. We need the stimulus of believers who pursue what we pursue, the presence of Christ.

I struggle the most with the third point, so much of me does not want to give up those sacred corners. But as I said, the focus cannot be on the price.

A Matter of Focus

2005-09-10T18:07:00.000+02:00

The last three days I've fallen in a quite depressive state, because I focused on the price that it costs, to follow God in such a radical way. My heart was so heavy and when I went to church yesterday I had a good talk with a friend. He said I should bind the powers that keep me from God, because I have the authority to do so. So thats what I did, I commanded Satan to let go of my soul with his grip. Shortly after I felt the clouds go away.
During worship God talked to me and said, "Luke you focused on the way instead of on Me!". Thats exactly what happend, I focused so much on that pricy and hard way that my attention sliped away from the Lord. The price is high, but it's nullified by what you get: God himself. Not greater riches, not a high calling (even though theese might be side effects), but you get to know that infinite being, that we call God. So I want to faocus on Jesus again, for he is the radiance of God's glory and sits on the throne at the end of my path.

Later I had such a good talk with a girl of my church, she strives for that closeness with God and it was encouraging to talk to someone who has that burning heart. I must admit, I know only very few people who I see striving after this intimacy.

A Duty

2005-09-10T17:56:00.000+02:00

From Frank Laubach, "Practicing His Presence", Page 22.

September 22, 1930
It is our duty to live in the beauty of the precence of God on some mount of transfiguration until we become white with Christ. After all, the deepest truth is that the Chris-like life is glorious, undefetably glorious. There is no defeat unless one loses God, and then all is defeat, though it be housed in castles and buried in fortunes.

What a Friend I've Found

2005-09-10T17:52:00.000+02:00

What a friend I've found
Closer than a brother
I have felt your touch
More intimate than lovers

Jesus, Jesus
Jesus, friend forever

What a hope I've found
More faithful than a mother
It would break my heart
To ever lose each other

Delirious "What a friend I've found"

What makes it so hard

2005-09-08T10:18:00.000+02:00

Its a new way of living life, I try to avoid the word "lifestyle", because it does not express the core of it all. Its a ever returning will act, that soaks every aspect of thinking, talking, touching, hearing and seeing.

I'm a software developer (.Net), what I try, is to focus on God and submitt my work as I stroke the keyboard, plan structures and just simply do the tasks that I'm paid for. The hard thing is to give up the old thinking paterns that I'm used to, and submitt to the voice of God leading me. Constant uncertainty and fear controlls me, that I might be lead into a dead end while letting my mind flow with the thoughts of God. I think it's the flesh, smelling death, squirling for help that self might live on.
A other problem I face, is giving up the comfort zone, God calls me out, into a life of uncertainty total trust... ruthless trust.
There's this guy close to where I work, he always hangs around out there and he has a messed up leg. Would I really go and pray for him if God askes me to. I would want to, but all in me rebells against leaving this cozy bubble of known feelings and reactions of people.

The Promised Land

2005-09-07T01:02:00.000+02:00

I'm amazed to the life that we're acctually called by God, it goes beyond imagination.
Love God so deeply...
Love our neighbours so dearly...
Walk in so much power...
Walk in such high callings...
Not sitting outside of the kingdoms walls...

Two years ago I was on a ship in Africa, where I read a book of Brother Lawrence called "Practice the Presence of God". There my eyes opened for a radical way of following God, a relationship that is not dominated by some isolated events, such as prayer in the morning or church on sundays, but is controlled by life-breathing closeness of unceasing comunion.
One day I wrote in my journal:

"... By my determination do discipline myself to focus my mind upon the almighty One, until I'm able to always be focused on Jesus in whatever I do. It needs a lot of work daily and a lot of discipline and most of all it will cost me everything I have and are. But I trust in the Lord, that his grace will change me forever and free me from my flesh, so that I might be in the light and walk in spirit all the time, filled with his love.
Therefore I start this experiment today. I can gain or loose it every day, therefore I pray for God's mercy upon me that I might be able to accomplish it and that I will one day see with His eyes, hear with His ears and understand with His heart. All I can bring is the determination to do it and the choice to begin now!
No second later. "

This was two years ago, I had to face full failure in what I claimed to achieve. I love walking apart from the way of God, because I have my own world of making decisions and spending the time as I want it. I want to return and set my will on accepting what God has for me, letting go of what I controll. I still believe it is possible, but I have no idea how in this western culture such intimacy can survive.
Next months will be a experiment and I will put my experiences in this blog down.

What is this about

2005-09-01T18:16:00.000+02:00

I put my foot on a jurney,
only a few have walked that way...
Practicing the precence of God.

I belief that Jesus Christ died for my sins and that he has opened the way to the father. Now we can know him in endless deep ways. Explore forever the depth of his caracter and creation that reaches far beyond what we can see!

There are a few Men that have truly gone this way of discovery, in the times of the bible such men as Enoch, Moses, Abraham, Jeremiah, Isaiah and Jesus. In the last centuries such men as Brother Lawrence and Frank Laubach. There are more, but not so many. What everyone has discovered, that it costs everything and that it is a jurney of letting go. In all that, they have found the most thrilling relationship, which made everything else worthless and unintresting.

In the next two years I want to dedicate my life to this, see how far I can go, until I live every second in the presence of God.
In this blog I want to give account of my experience that I make while pressing on into this mistery.